It’s been two days without you on this earth. I feel a void, there’s moments when I have to grasp the reality that you’re not a phone call away anymore, you’re not a flight away anymore. I will never hear your voice on the other side of my phone anymore unless it’s one of your old voice mails that I thankfully saved. I wish I had more time with you dad, losing you in my 30’s with my birthday around the corner is so unfair. The thought that I won’t be receiving a call from you on my birthday next month gives me a unsettling feeling in my stomach. My first birthday without you papi!
I’ve been feeling so many different emotions since your departure to the other side. I’m bitter, I’m angry, I feel guilt, Im happy but only because you’re no longer in pain. But the truth is your death could’ve been prevented if it weren’t for the virus. You were strong enough to fight the average cold & flu but covid gave you a different narrative along with so many other lives that it’s taken with no remorse, mourning you still doesn’t feel right or real. It’s like a bad dream that I’m unable to wake up from.
All I can think about right now is how is time going to heal this pain & void? Who am I going to call when I just want the love & understanding from my father? Who is going to walk me down the aisle of my wedding now? You won’t be here to see your grandchildren grow or attend their graduations & birthdays, you won’t be here for the holidays, you won’t be here to see & guide me through this journey that we call life. You are just NO LONGER here & I’m not ok with that yet!
I know perspective is everything & I have memories but that is not enough for me right now because I just want you here. I wasn’t ready for you to leave me. Yes, with life comes death that’s part of the human experience but yours was so unexpectedly and unfair how can we be accepting of that truth? All I can do right now is take things, “un dia a la vez”. (One day at a time). But for right now I’m just not ok with any of it, it’s only been two days so it’s ok for me to feel like this.