body image child loss depression motherhood spirituality

Womb woes

This piece is a memoir of my child loss, its raw & real. Please read at your own discretion.

Her empty womb was a gut wrenching reminder that she couldn’t keep her unborn child safe within her. That body that was designed to be a vessel of life was a failure, death dwelled in her womb.

The moment from conception to the prematurity of her child’s birth & death was a blur. After so many years from her loss instead of remembering the good short lived moments with her baby girl she thinks of her silent birth filled with loud cries in the background & the sorrowed heavy hearts from everyone in the room.

The hurt and pain that was felt for such a long time hunts her from time to time, you really can’t heal from losing a child. She was engulfed with grief and despair, she was infuriated with God and questioned his doing in the loss of her first born for a long time. Her heart didn’t know forgiveness nor peace.

The day after being discharged was as hard as the last goodbye she shared with her baby. Her womb released contractions as it tried to regain the size and shape after birth, her breast leaked milk for a phantom baby, her body was oblivious to her loss, her mind tried to recollect every sacred second she had with her child so she can memorize and engrave the image of her baby girl to carry her for the rest of her life.

Her eyes weep for days and days, her stretch marks were constant reminders of the baby she never brought home as she gazed at her naked unruly body in the foggy mirror after a long hot shower that only hid her ugly cries from the unfair world. Her pain and loss changed her forever, as she continues to live her life she will always have a void & broken heart from the baby she couldn’t keep safe in her womb.

I'm a Honduran & Cuban second generation Latina, born & raised in Long Beach, Ca. I write to heal my inner woes and to release my creative energy into the universe, in the process my hope is to inspire & help others. I’m a advocate for mental health & autism awareness. I love coffee, a sweet red wine, a good read and creating memories with my loved ones.

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